Cancer Journal of Maureen Kennedy - 2009 entries ascending

May 31,2009 - My Goodness, it has been 6 weeks since update.  Well let's see- the cat is still driving me bananas.  Have I told you about her reproachable looks I get when she is silently standing by the closed front door just silently staring at me.  If it's during the daytime, she wants (normally) the front door opened and the screen door propped open so she can saunter in and out at her leisure.  If it's during the nighttime, she wants the front door open so she can peek thru the screen door to see if there is anything interesting outside (which there isn't since the feral cats went away two years ago).  So she sits there and waits until I see her from the corner of my eye, then she has me hooked.  She knows I have seen her, so she continues to sit there silently. Meantime guilt begins to ride me and finally I get up and go open the door for her - then she TURNS AWAY and walks away, chuckling to herself that she got my attention after all!  This is only one of her tricks which keeps her life interesting.

The sciatica is gone away completely now - thank goodness.  I have been feeling much improved with my regime of taking my hormone pills and vitamins regularly instead of hit or miss - my much improved is still not tip top - but just feeling better physically inside my body type feeling.  It's like on days when you don't have to go to work and can sleep in till you wake naturally, and feeling good so you stay in bed and stretch out your toes and feet and rearrange your legs sliding against the sheet type feeling good.  You know what I mean if you do as I do.  Tomorrow I go for my checkup CT scan then I can make oncology appointment for the results.  I did get in to see the regular internist - when his nurse asked me why I was there that day was it for my back pain, I said no - I didn't have sciatica anymore.  She seemed startled, then suggested it was for a pap smear test - I said no.  She then replied that, that was the reason the doctor wanted to see me.  (Kaiser goes on these hounding sessions if you don't do pap, mamogram and colon tests).  So I found out interns can do it, and since I was there I said ok.  When I related this to the doctor, he laughed and told his other nurse what the first nurse had said to me - because he had not contemplated that procedure but the nurses were told to push it.  Anyhow we had a fab visit.  I think I startled him and his nurse when fitting my feet into the stirrups, my left leg cramped badly and I had to hold it out straight - this happened several times and I said to them "Well when you haven't had sex in 15 years, your muscles won't bend like they used too!"  LOL  I have never had any problems with the pap test, my objection was simply the effort to get somewhere for an exam.  I told him about my various problems which have been long explained to you all, and so he decided to do a variety of blood tests - 12 vials worth!  He checked my feet for the lymphedema and seemed satisfied with them (no real deterioration in muscle or strength).  He also explained that my iron test probably meant because I was a smoker they tend to have more red blood cells so more oxygen gets carried in the blood system.He was also against using the sleeping pill oncology doc recommended and said it was "extremely addicting" - but we got involved in other things and I never got back to him for something for sleeping.  Most of the last 6 weeks I was screwed up in sleeping as normal and only the last couple of days have been regulated (we'll see how long this lasts!)  I had to have a return visit to lab for fasting for diabetes testing.  Kaiser sends you emails online to see the results of blood tests and I see I am higher than I should be on sugar and cholesteral , and low on B12.  B12 defficiency can be caused by taking anti-acid pills - which I have taken for years - prescription to cut down on gastric acids which is how the body absorbs B12 - so I bought some of those vitamins to take too.  My iron red blood cells were normal this time.Somehow I have managed to lose 13 pounds, and I can really feel the impact of that - easier to bend over and that.  It's probably because I haven't been able to go anywhere for almost a month, so no fast foods or snacks as well as the fact that eating for me is just something that has to be done, and not a pleasure - so it's quick and easy (like, oh well I think I will have soup and toast today for my meal or broiled chicken breast and salad - and that's it for the day).  

Thankfully at the end of April my lovely niece came down to drive me around doing a couple of errands and helped me with grocery shopping and hauled all the bags upstairs for me.  My lovely neighbors with all the kids moved out in May so no help from them anymore.  My car was on the fritz - ended up being the battery.  Auto Club got me jumped and I was able to get down to the mechanic to leave it there, with my niece taking me on my errands from there.  When I picked it up I paid my bill and later got a call from the father saying the son had undercharged me - so I had to return another day to pay the difference.  I looked through my bills and I confronted them asking why I was replacing batteries every 14 months with this battery being the 4th one since I bought the car.  (meaning this was the 3rd battery I had bought from them).  He said it was top of the line battery and perhaps it was my driving habits, and just starting a car really did not charge a battery, you have to really drive the car to get it charged good.

My friend Susan I did get out to dinner and had a pleasant time.  I didn't realize that the problems with her knees was worse than my problem with my legs and ankles.  She has hardly any cartlidge between her knee joints and is in constant pain from that.  Thankfully Kaiser has continued to authorize her prescription refills at a local pharmacy despite her no longer being a Kaiser member - so she is able to get her necessary pain and other medications.  I may be going to her house this week to meet up with another of her friends and do some soldering on the latest craze - a charm for bracelets that involves encasing two pieces of glass lace sandwich with copperfoil and then soldering the edges with silver solderwith a jump ring - people then attach them to charm bracelets.

Brother In law - he had continued to have terrible problems with the stents slipping and cutting off his breathing, and after several surgeries they decided this week to remove two stents and his trachea and bronchial tube is holding up well and open and he is much relieved and breathing ever so much better.  His breathing was down to 1/3rd capactiy earlier this week.  They still cannot decide on whatever is in his trachea, if it is undisolved cancer tumor or scar tissue from all the surgeries they had done on it - but that is where they removed the large stent and so they took a biopsy of it.  When BIL found out the one doctor had suggested a return of cancer and sis did not tell him about that, he was very mad and told her never again to withold info from him.  

I found out what I could do with my super dooper notebook that I fixed up!  My cheaper model laptop went screwy a couple of weeks ago, the video screen doesn't work anymore (it's like the old tv's that had scrolling picture) and no way to correct that - so it is toast I think and not worth repairing.  The only really good thing about that laptop is that the battery worked for 1 1/2 hours on that, and the battery does not retain charge on this Pavillion.  It irritates me no end when you check the Hewlett Packard website and they say their batteries are only expected to be able to be used for one year! meaning - planned obsolescence.  So I popped in the hard drive (larger one) from the laptop and now working on the nieces old computer.  Again, it just reinforces my thoughts that I should listen to my intuition even when I don't know why I am doing something.  So often when I fail to listen to my intuition, I really end up regretting it.  Like Friday I deposited income tax refund - well before I left I thought to myself I should scan a picture of it to print out and pop in with my tax return, and I thought, oh it would take 10 minutes or so and instead I will just have bank teller make me a photo of it.  I get to the bank, and while depositing it I hear the person next to me telling their teller how someone had scammed money out of their bank account like what happened to me, and I got involved in their conversation and totally forgot to have a copy made of the check.  I  only make copy just for my records - no reason for soing so.  

Battlestar Galactica is over and I did not like the ending - I mean the shoot them up part was good, but the trapsing off into the African veldt to return to primitive life and blow up their star ships was plain screwy.  Not sure I will buy last DVD of series, but I have them taped VHS.  My cactus is still blooming it's lovely red flowers - I must be watering it just right for the flowering has gone on for so long now.  Nary a cockroach sighting in months for which I am relieved.  Oh yes, niece moved back home with sis and BIL and brought her cat with her.  Since neither of sis's dogs (remember one was once niece's dog - Bailey) they had to keep cat caged when dogs were roaming around, but little by littly they have introduced the cat to the dogs and the cat now RULES the dogs.  Bailey just adores the cat sis says, dog will lick and groom cat. Millie, the older dog, is afraid of the little white snowball cat and goes running when He (cat) hisses at her.  Sis is now having cat jumping into toilet bowl like mine does - and we discussed why cats think water in the toilet bowl tastes better than water in their own bowl.  Now that I think of it, perhaps because it is colder in porcelein than in animal bowls?  Anyhow, I would never have believed sis is enjoying having a cat!  Well that's about everything in a large nutshell from the last 6 weeks! LOL

April 18, 2009 - The last month has been wrought with excruciating pain for most of the last three weeks.  I awoke with terrible sciatica pain (which I last had about 6-7 years ago) in my left buttock and leg.  I popped Ibuphofren to try and help the pain and it helped a bit.  After 4 days that pain went away and instead I now had pain in the base of my skull.  Nod your head forward, and at the top of back where it meets the skull was where the pain radiated.  Trying to go to sleep where I sleep on my stomach and head rests on pillow on my bent left arm, caused me so much pain I was just about into tears.  This pain lasted two weeks and then it went away and the sciatica started up again, much more intense than earlier time.  The sciatica pain feels like you are sitting on the hip bone itself - sharp hot poker type pain where you can not get comfortable in any position.  With pain radiating down leg, it cripples you to try and walk.  Because of this I tried the mail order prescription refills, and they only mailed out three of the 4 drugs with the 4th one needing to have doctor contact to renew presciption.  I called and found that prescription "floating" in the computer - meaning the doctor had renewed the prescription but no one refilled it.  So then they filled it at local pharmacy - but I never got better enough with the sciatica to go and get it.  

My friend Susan had wanted to go out to dinner with me and I never called her back.  When I realized I hadn't I called her and told her of my sciatica problems. She volunteered to buy groceries for me which I was hesitant to do, and for her SO to go and pick up medication for me.  And what was truly so lovely, I had mentioned to her I usually pick up a ham for Easter because they are on sale at that time.  She and SO stopped by for a few minutes on Easter to deliver a dinner to me of what they had at her daughter's help (which included a scrumptious cupcake).  And then next day the SO did go to pick up my meds and then delivered to me a ham  (as a gift) she had bought for me.  

I had emailed the internist on Monday for some pain med more compatible with my coumadin, since using Ibuprofren causes me to have blood in my sputnam - and he prescribed Vicodin and a muscle relaxant. (the vicodin also caused blood in sputnam)  Well after 7 pills of Vicodin I had a reaction - breathing problems, and had to stop them.  When I layed down to sleep, I started gasping for breath and couldn't breath  unless I was sitting up or standing.  This was much worse than when I had trouble breathing when I had anemia from chemo treatments) It was over 30 hours before my breathing was back to normal so I could go to sleep once again.  So today I am on my 8th day of sciatica and it is much better as I am able to walk without being crippled and now it is just the muscle that feels stiff (meaning I can sit without squirming every few seconds).  The doctor is insisting I come in for a a visit, so I have appointment for next week with him.  

I had an oncology appointment but I skipped it.  Since she didn't want to authorize Xray or CT scan, what was the point of going in for a "checkup" when nothing got checked up on?  Because it is such a struggle for me to get there, I just couldn't see doing it for a Hi and Goodbye.  My lymphedema has gotten much worse, now toes, ankles and half of leg are swelling almost twice it size on both legs.  So yesterday I struggled to get my eleastic stocking on, and the daily swelling was much reduced.  I used to put them on while sitting, and bring my foot up and lower half of leg crossed onto other leg - but I can't do that anymore - hip won't rotate enough to do it.  So I figured out I could put them on standing up in bathroom where the toilet is next to the sink, which gives me something to stabilize me.  I put my foot up on the toilet seat back, and then put on stocking and then elastic stocking.  It still is a struggle because that elastic is really strong and does not want to stretch so you really have to "manhandle" it to get it on.

One bright thing - my cactus flowered for Easter.  It looked dead since I infrequently water it, but now it has beautiful red blooms.   

March 18, 2009 - Well here I am updating again.  Not too much has happened since I last posted here except I have come to the recent conclusion as to what some of my problem really is.  The doctor once said she thought I had survivor guilt in that I was planning on dying and when that didn't happen, I didn't know what to do with myself.  Some of that may be true, but I also think I have been living too much "in the now".  In essence I have been living each day as if it were my last day, because after all if it was my last day did I really want to spend it cleaning house, or pushing myself to exercise, or doing other things I didn't want to do.  I make no plans for the future and that includes not doing anything which would take more than one day in planning - otherwise known as coasting through life.  Maybe I am being too harsh on myself but I know myself well and I am somewhat lazy.  Coming to this conclusion recently, I shall think about what I can do to change this.

My BIL's condition has us confused.  He recently took a CAT scan and that doctor says he does not have any reocurrance of cancer?  So we are not sure what the throat doctor said was growing that caused that stent to move.  He shall be having another operation soon, so perhaps we shall know more.  Last week I took an MRI test - They had called in Feb to schedule with me, and I thought it was a CAT scan for my checkup.  But a couple of days before the test I got a written notice seeing it was a MRI so I called and questioned it.  Remember in December when I couldn't get a Xray scheduled because a nurse insisted the doctor wanted me to have an MRI.  So the technician checked and said my doctor had ordered it 2/11/09 - so I said OK, and went ahead and did it.  I then called doctor's office and had message relayed to her asking that she authorize a CAT scan.  She called me that afternoon (such a shock) and was hesitant about giving me a CAT scan and didn't think one could be done before my visit.  Her hesitancy seemed to be because of radiation of test.  Anyhow I told her I had gone for the MRI she ordered, and she said she never ordered one for me, and really hadn't thought about me in months.  I told her what I thought had caused this - that last July she wanted me to have a MRI and had ordered an MRI with contrast, and they would not schedule one until she also ordered a scan without contrast.  And somehow that second order kept getting renewed through the computer, which is why I had the problem in December and it renewed itself again and this time I got suckered into doing it.  MRI does not show if you have tumors - all it's gonna show is the arthritis and disc bulges I have.  I told the doctor that she should be worried that a computer is scheduling her patient for expensive and unnecessary tests.  

Something happened that upset me a lot.  My former gallery owner who I help with computer problems called and I made special effort to go over there and fix her computer problem.  Then she insists on taking my to dinner (which is also an outing for her since she doesn't have a car anymore).  So I drive her back home and go in with her and check on last thing on her computer.  In meantime she makes a call in her kitchen, and as I am getting ready to leave she tells the person on the line that "my woman who works on my computer" is leaving and for them to hold on.  I felt really offended as I have felt  I was a friend to her, even going to visit her husband in the nursing home with her before he died.  

And again, my hours were regulated and I had lots more energy and then my system went screwy again for the last week and a half - yesterday went to sleep at 6 am and got up at 6 pm.  What a weird life I lead! I was so tired and put off going anywhere that I decided to forgo grocery shopping and for the first time in many, many years I did not go and buy and cook corned beef and cabbage for St. Patrick's Day!

Leaving you with one last thought - I read this in the Bible recently - "Dedicate yourself to Thankfulness".

February 27, 2009 - My greatest incentive for posting here has been a friend in Minnesota who would read this blog daily - but she sent me a letter that her computer was broke and she dropped her DSL service.  She sent me phone cards instead.  Being able to post in writing has been so much easier than phone calls.  Going on about oneself here is easier than talking only about yourself in a phone call.  Bad News to Report - MY BIL has had his cancer reappear in his esophagus.  He was having trouble breathing and the stent slipped down into a lung and just about cut off all air from lung.  Doing a bronchospy two days ago shows the tumor has started to grow again and that is what pushed the shunt down into the lung.  They cut away at tumor and repositioned the stent, and are waiting on several more tests to be done next week to decide where to go from here.  I don't believe they have told him yet about it, but they did tell Sis who called me in a great depression.  Then by dinner time when I called, she was cheery and upbeat which I think was more for his sake than hers as she was whispering some info to me - like as if he didn't know about it.  I felt gut punched and was physically sick for hours thinking about everything they have gone through and the financial devastation the last round of cancer treatments has done to them.  This month has been good to me in light of things I have been able to accomplish - I have been able to vacumn living room and hallway, clean kitchen floors, wash kitchen cabinets, straighten up living room, go to the store twice and out to pick up medications twice ($150 for meds this month).  Today I took wheelchair to pick up meds, and good thing I did as there was a long line of people waiting and so I was able to sit down in line (otherwise I would have been sitting on the floor hopping along as the line moved up! LOL)  I called my cousin this month to try and find other uncle as it was his birthday this month and I wanted to talk to him - and of course I got NO REPLY from him.  What makes people so weird?????  Battlestar Galactica is winding down the series, only 4 more shows left and then it's gone for good. I was able to go to Best Buy and buy one of those TV converter things since I had gotten a government $40 coupon - this is for a TV I have in the bedroom not hooked up to cable.  Who knows maybe one day I will have to give up cable and will need it for regular TV.  Anyhow when I got home I saw they charged me sales tax on the $40 coupon and I thought that was non-taxable.  I checked out the Calif web site and sure enough they charged me $3.10 too much in tax.  Thankfully I had used a credit card to pay for the $9.99 charges in excess of $40 for the converter and used my Christmas gift card to help offset the price of the Battlestar Galactica season 4 disks - so when I called and spoke to manager he agreed sales tax was not supposed to be charged and would credit my credit card.  Another interesting thing I found out - I had checked the website for BB and saw the DVD set was $37.99 while the store price was $44.99 - I complained about the difference in price and first she tried to fluff it off and then I complained again and she ended up having to sell it to me for $37.99 as "meeting competitor price".  But Best Buy doesn't not have the regular competitor price anymore, just the discount between website and store.  So pushing for those two things saved me $10 !!!!! and things you should watch out for with them.

February 12, 2009 - Well yesterday I had another jolt of energy.  My hours are back to waking up about 11-1:30 am so most of the time I am up is during daylight hours.  With daylight all around you, showing you exactly how things have deteriorated - begins to cause it's own anxiety.  After reading all my chatboards and then reading some book - I am left feeling What can I do now?  So it was a toss between kitchen floor and the bathroom and the bathroom won.  So first I had to get down on my hands and knees gingerly (because ankles won't bend and calves are swollen) on the living room rug, and fix the vacumn cleaner which had the belt off track.  Then in stages I move everything out of the bathroom and start cleaning.  Getting down on my hands and knees hurt so bad, I was almost in tears, cleaning the tile floor.  That tile was so hard and according to bone scan has a lot of arthritis in them that normally I don't feel anything like pain from them.  Next time I will be using a pillow or cushion for my knees.  So eventually it was cleaned and the rugs vacumned and I felt proud!  I did take rests in between sections of cleaning.  Only thing left is the tub which shall do when showering.  I got so much pleasure out of having a clean bathroom each time I used it, silly thing to take pleasure in.  Today I feel a little tired and achy so hopefully I shall be better tomorrow.  BIL is having tough time, doctors at UCI gave him different antibiotics and if he not improved will do another bronchospy on Friday.  

February 10, 2009 - Not too much happening in my world.  Last week I had an exceptional day on Tuesday and was able to get out and go to the PO and grocery shopping for a month's supplies.  When I got home, none of the neighbor kids were there so I sorted out which packages had to go upstairs into the freezer and frig, and hauled them up - they were heavy.  (the next day my neck and shoulder muscles ached alot) I put them away and then sat down to rest.  After a while I went back downstairs with a roller carrier I have, and loaded that up and brought it back to stairs but it was too heavy to carry.  So I used the wheels to roll it up one stair at a time, bump, another stair, bump and the guy next door saw me and rushed to me and demanded that he be allowed to help me bring up my groceries - so he finished the carrier and then went downstairs and got the rest.  I told him I didn't want to be a bother to anyone, but he said it was no bother and I was to get him after 3:30 when he got home.  Thankfully I went when I did because then it ended up raining most of the next 7 days.  I went to take my garbage down and another lady neighbor was passing and she insisted on taking it down for me.  I have such nice neighbors - she told me I should rest!  I guess I look pretty tired and feeble most of the time, walking over hunchback - cause I can't seem to straighten up most of the time.  Today was a second somewhat good day - I was able to take down garbage, get mail and do a load of laundry.  That's it - a good day for me.  Twin called me a few nights ago and said, guess what we got?  A car, no, a new dog, no - two Kayaks!  What on earth do they want with their own kayaks?  Well she says they like to kayak and have done so a few times she mentioned to me - yeah, but to go out and buy your own - how much use will they really get over just renting them?  Sis says she feels like a new person with starting to use flaxseed every day in her oatmeal or on salads, and had gone to Vegan eating fish as well as vegetables.  (She hasn't gone to doc for blood tests to see if this has really helped her levels) She hasn't started the exercise regimen yet and doesn't think she has lost any weight - she just feels better than she has for over a year.  BIL had a cataract removed last week and was so very happy as his eye cleared within a few hours and his vision was so much better.  He had the other eye done yesterday and was very scared because it didn't go so well, but saw doctor today and now it's about 98% better.  Sis is worried about him as he is wheezing and coughing so bad he throws up - they are worried that cancer is back.  He went to internist who listened and said his chest was clear, DID NOT GIVE HIM AN XRAY, and gave him antibiotics.  This is the way his treatment went last time when finally cancer was discovered! 6 months later.  Sis is pushing BIL to go back and demand Xray!  Niece has not found a job, and the money she is earning at father's business and umpiring is not enough for her bills - and they won't consider her moving back home and breaking her comittment to roommate.  Sis can't help her with money as BIL's yearly bonus did not materialize because of bad times - they are wondering how they are going to make their house payment without bonus.  But it's not fair to run out on roommate - so niece is looking into a student load for her last semester in college.  This late in the year, and with the banking conditions - good luck on that one.  My sis doesn't seem to get the idea of "Beggars can't be choosers".  (And niece has never called me about earning $100 bucks from me by doing some much needed housework for me) As for me I am fanatically watching the last of the new episodes of Battlestar Galactica with only 6 more shows to see.  When BSG started 4 years ago - a season was 4-6 disk sets - now with them only showing 13 shows a season they are charging $37 for each 13 shows.  Well I have taped on VHS these last shows and that will do me just fine instead of paying the bloodsuckers $75! I had put up an auction on Ebay and someone from the book board won the auction.  The beads sold only for the opening bid of $24 - and now Ebay's fees have risen so much that it cost me $3 in Ebay fees to make $24, and then another 3.5% of the $24 plus postage for Paypal fees (the credit card company that Ebay bought) so just about 15% in fees on $24 sale.  Well that's better than a stick in the eye and beads sitting in a bowl.  Still have to get off my duff and photo and do more bead sales.  Problem is that I never know when I will have enough strength to go to PO to mail them - my feet and ankles hurt quite a bit from the lymphedema these days.  The woman thought she had won a bracelet rather than loose beads - so to be nice to her I told her I would make it into a bracelet and she had requested earrings too if I had enough beads.  Well there was enough beads for both and I just mailed them off to her.  I wasn't going to charge her for the findings, but she sent me a nice check for another $25 for the work and findings - which was really very nice of her.   I had finally got my night and days straight last week and then I had one night of 14 hours sleeping which threw everything off again.  Being off my feet that long, and with 10 hour sleeping times, helps my lymphedema alot and the pain and swelling goes way down.  

January 29, 2009 - Sorry for no news lately but there has been no real news.  I have been in such an apathetic mood not doing much and sort of fogging out.  I even had a doctor appointment this week and I was too tired to go to it, and didn't.  I did manage to get in this month and get my blood work done, one of which was a test the oncology doctor requested when I told her how tired and fatigued I was.  I was asking whether I should start taking the prescription iron pills she prescribed when I had anemia during chemo.  She said let's wait and get this blood test.  Well when the results come back they are online so I looked up the results and it shows I have too much iron in my body (30 points over highest normal level).  This can be an indicator of liver problems or onset of diabetes and does cause fatigue, which is why I made an appointment with internist.  I am not showing any other indicators of diabetes, but it runs in the family with Dad having it and Sis.  So I shall have to make another appointment.  Problem is I am screwed up again - going to bed at 7-9 am and sleeping till 5 pm or later.  So when the alarm clock went off to go to doctor appointment, I just could not really wake up because of tiredness.  I swear that if I could get my sleeping problems cured, it would make such an impact on my life!

Other news, So Cal niece has lost her job at Disneyland - they have laid off temporary employees despite their previous comittment to college students to furnish them with jobs.  I sort of thought that was coming when I noticed ads on TV touting 2 for One in ticket sales - buy ticket for Disneyland and then you can also go to their other park next door.  So now she is without work.  I had called and left message on her answering machine that I would like to hire her help to clean my apartment.  Never heard back from her.  Talked to Sis and she said BIL has hired her through a temp agency and she will be umpiring games on weekends which should be enough money to keep her rent paid.  I mentioned my phone call to Sis and she said that was ever so nice of me - and I said it wasn't being nice - I really did need someone to come over and help me with this apartment because I just can't do it anymore.  I can't wash walls, I can't teeter on ladders, I can't get down on hands and knees, I can't walk up and down stairs - in fact I have put off going to the grocery store because the thought of all that effort overwhelms me so I keep running out of things and soon I will be desperate.  

Actually I am in worse shape now than when I was doing chemo - at least I would get spurts of energy then but not now.  

But I want you to know I watched that movie Mamma Mia on TV on Demand - what a joyful movie - and I always loved the Abba songs (I still have their albums!)  All the singing and dancing made me want to get up and click my heels and start dancing !  It's a fun chick flick with no real storyline but good laughs and fun.  YOu gotta see it - and I thought Meryl Streep is my age and omg look how good she is kicking up her heels!  

January 11, 2009 -Well we had a little momentary excitement the day before yesterday with a 5 point earthquake at 8 pm.  I was sitting at kitchen table and it had a large jolt to my chair and table for a couple of seconds and then subsiding rocking motions.  I see some things fell down in my craft bedroom but no real damage.  I was amazed that my fuchsia beads sold on Ebay, and it turned out that a lurker on my chatboard had bought them.  She thought they were a bracelet rather than loose beads, so I went ahead and made her up a bracelet and some pierced earrings from the beads.  I hope she likes them cause I am not much of a jewelry artist.  It was a blessing that I did that for her rather than just sending them loose to her in that I had been reading a lot about the Virgin Mary and the Miraculous Medal of the Immaculate Conception and I know I had one around here.  Mom kept all the ones Grandma had, and I remember throwing a bunch of them away but keeping them for myself.  I had been searching in various drawers and jewelry boxes as to where I could have put them and couldn't find them and was mad at myself.  And low and behold they were in the box of jewelry supplies for making bracelets that I found them.  So if I hadn't done a nice thing for someone else, I would never have found it - which I am now wearing on a chain around my neck along with the scapular of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.  I don't know why I feel I need to wear these things now, but I do and shall.  A bad situation has come up for BIL.  While he was sick and on chemo and radiation last year and only working half days, he had to rely on his staff and one of them did him wrong and it has gotten him in trouble.  He had fired the guy for drinking on the job, but then came to find out how the guy finegaled the records so that a contractor was not paying on his purchases which has now amounted to a huge amount and my BIL is being held responsible for it.  So my BIL is having to work many many hours of unpaid overtime trying to make up that loss of income to the company or else his job could be in jeopardy.  Despite Sis's many medical problems she is seem to do ok.  She did cheat a bit on what she ate at Christmas but says she is back in the saddle for the new year.  If it was me I would probably be eating oatmeal till it came out of my ears to get that cholesterol level down.  Each day eating becomes a chore for me - what to eat.  I get so bored with food which is why I probably only eat one meal a day.  Whatever I can broil quickly with frozen vegetables and sliced tomatoes is what I usually have.  I do have tons of home made soups to defrost and often have that with toast.  Should get some Marie Calendar meals to make it even easier. I rarely have desserts and if need be will suck on a few choc chips or mix honey and peanut butter to eat.  This coming week I have to get a couple of blood tests done and will probably try to get appointment with my GP for prescription renewals and to check my lymphedema.  

My good friend Susan is without medical insurance again.  She and SO were paying Kaiser $1400 a month and their income took such a dive that they couldn't afford to pay it,  She does have medical problems with bad back and knees and is hoping that they can make it till she turns 65 in 3 1/2 year.  He is always healthy.  I told her too bad no same sex marriage or I would marry her in order to put her on my insurance as a dependent which would only be $50 more a month in insurance costs for me! Who's to know we wouldn't intend for it to be a marriage but a convenience. What gave me this idea is the finale of the show Boston Legal with William Shatner.  

I have that super dooper computer now sitting in front of me on my kitchen table now, wondering what on earth to do with it?  Seems like a stupid thing I did now - not sure what to do with it.

January 4, 2009 - I haven't been doing much as of late, still reading a lot and downloading spiritual books from the Internet Archive.  The computers are all working well, and no cockroaches disturbs my rest.  People call and ask how I am doing, and I tell them I am doing good.  Well doing good for me, is a completely different good than how they see how life should be be.  My sis was all concerned to see how out of breath and just tired I was walking out (I spent 7 hours there with 2 hours driving time to get there) of her house Christmas Day carrying some packages, and down an incline to where my car was parked, and how I had to sit in car to catch my breath before I could start the car and drive off.  My doing good takes into account my physical limitations which I have accepted.  This week I have started a little house cleaning, figuring if I only do a little each day then someday it might be done (and at least make me happier),  I tried to sit down to make beads but I can't get my kiln to work right and so then I say forget it.  I did put up an auction on 12/31 of some pink fuschia flower beads - but no bids on them which is OK - since I won't have to take them to post office and stand in line to mail them.  

The other night I was thinking about my blessed consolation again and thinking about the experience and what I meant that everything is God.  The experience analogy that I can state is like I was taken into a big soap bubble sphere where there was light all around but nothing could be seen except the sides of the sphere.  Everywhere you looked was God, There was no beginning or end of God as he was a sphere and I was inside him.  Everything I breathed was from him giving me life.  And my thoughts of the world vanished to this enclosed world I found myself in where all I could think of was God and the joy and happiness he had given me with internal thoughts.  And that night I found in scripture a message saying God was within us all (can't quote it now) and when I find these tidbits that I did not know about before, it just reinforces and coalesces the thoughts I had before even reading this.  I have been reading a lot lately about the Blessed Virgin and how her few actions in the Bible have manifested in the last 4 hundred years into a greater meaning of her sufferings and worth, much of it is implied in the natural realizations of a mother and her child.  There are spurious gospels denied by the church which give greater information about Mary's life and that of her parent, but not considered valid and only stories people made up back then because the Christians wanted more information on Jesus's upbringing and his parents.  I am gradually beginning to see that through empirical logic of things Jesus did say and do - That Mary does retain a greater measure of the story than what is briefly said by apostles.  This is not even considering her apparitions throughout the world.  My mind keeps going back to what is implied in the Bible, that those people at that time were not ready to hear the full story - their minds were not open enough to believe;  Women did have standing in the early Christian churches as deacons, but somehow that faded away where women become subordinate like they were in the culture to which they were born. Reading about the Koran just blows my mind away in that they revere the Blessed Mary and Jesus - just refusing to say Jesus was God and only a messenger prophet.  But this "only just a man" they say ascended into heaven and will come back to judge living and the dead.  How do they correlate those actions of only a living man being able to do that if there was no Godliness to Jesus?  It doesn't even say Muhhamad will be coming back, just Jesus.  Strange interpretation but they only believe in one god and no other. Like there is no consideration of the power of God that a body had two hands, two legs, two eyes and all can be doing different things at one time and still be one part of the same person.  Sometimes I feel a lay person's Bible is needed that can give a good background of the culture from which the Bible was written which impacted upon why the Bible was written as it was.  Life 20000 years ago is nothing like today and so hard for even younger people to understand or relate to.  Such as Jesus being put to death as our savior to expiate sin - that this was an integral part of Jewish religion that the best animal had to be offered to God, the animal drained of blood (kosher) and then given to priests to burn on alter from which God smelled the smoke and the burnt flesh.  God accepted the sacrifice of a money item in that perfect goats were costly, and it also provided food for the priests who were not to work.  Jesus came and changed all that radically saying his was the way and that we were to eat his flesh in bread and drink his wine as blood - which was totally not Kosher and directly against their dietary laws.  He knocked the Jews on their ass when he came out with that and despite him saying this was a New Covenant and that the old rules do not apply - they felt he still did not have the authority to do these things.  He was always in his right mind and calm in making these statements and doing these actions - perhaps if he had been more mystic and in a trance - they might have believed him more.  If he spoke these things with a glow on his face transfiguring him, then he could have been considered a prophet and perhaps the son of God by the Jews.  But since the information did not arrive to them in the manner of former times, they just could not believe it because of the ease of it's announcements. When men are a wild barbarous bunch, they have to be ruled with harsh words and rules with tough punishments (this is even true today for those Muslims in the Middle Eastwho only respect cruel dictators) - but the time comes when God has felt a certain civilization of the human spirit has occurred and a more gentle approach can be told and made into law.  But those still barbarians do not believe it and will not accept it because it does not conform to what they have been taught.  We have seem some of this ourselves with the Second Vatican counsel and the outcries at the many church reforms made by that body.  Perhaps pushing people into changes before they are asking for changes is what needs to be e-re-evaluated by the church.

January 1, 2009 (after Midnight)  Happy New Year from foggy So California! I cry everytime I watch the ball drop and hear those words! Peace and Love to All on Earth and may we see it in our lifetime!

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