Latest News - Cancer Journal of Maureen Kennedy

August 24, 2008 - I am dancing the happy dance here - I won an ebay auction for the first two seasons of Farscape on VHS tapes at a real cheap price!  Since there has been nothing much on TV to watch lately, I have been re-watching previously taped shows of Farscape.  This will be my only personal purchase from my stimulus check, the rest of which is being used for food or medicines.  This appears to be a good seller so hopefully I will see my videos sometime soon.  I like VHS tapes because they use the whole screen.  On my DVR I bought a few months ago, it was the larger pixel siz and showed the DVD full screen when I realized that in doing so it changed the picture elongating it - I had to go to setup and change it inorder to see it at the right size.  I hate that black screen above and below the picture on DVD's-so I will keep using VHS as long as I can!  

I went to the doctor this week for the results of the MRI, and as I suspected it just showed all the hotspots from the bone scan were arthritis - so that is why you are having back pain, she says.  I replied that I don't have back pain - and she looked confused.  I told her this is the same result we got a year ago with bone scan and MRI  still no cancer.  Again she says it is remarkable that the cancer has not returned, but cautioned that it generally does return within 5 years.  I told her of my near accident last week, and mentioned the Congresswoman who just died instantly from brain anuerysm - so who's to say I even live long enough to die of cancer.  I asked her at what points to I continue to see her versus my regular GP - well anything that might lead to cancer such as coughing or vision problems or back pain in bones I should see her as it could mean cancer in lung, brain or bones.  Whereas things like cholesteral, disabetes, things like that I should see GP.  So I see her again in November for a chest Xray.  My Mammogram came back OK - so no breast cancer.  

My BIL had his four inch ! stent removed from his trachea on Thursday and his trachea did not collapse!  WE held our breath on that one because the cancer had eaten away some of the cartlidge which held the trachea up.  They said they could still see the tmor there (it was behind stent) but they have no way of knowing whether it is dead or active.  The CAT scan does not tell you if the tissue is alive. (And his oncologyist doesn't want to do a PET scan which does show if it's active or not)  So it's a watch and wait situation to see if it starts to grow and because it is a fast growing cancer he needs to get back to them right away if he starts having symptoms.He still has two stents down his bronchus tubes so he still has to go through the neubulizing treatments and for some reason they feel they can't remove those right now. But he didn't lose his voice this time, and is feeling good, and the only result he can see is that he can expectorant easier.  

I am almost done with reading the first half book of St. Francis De Sales On the Love of God.  Now I know he is a staint, but I most heartily disagree with some of what I read.  In one spot he says God abandons those who abandon him and I reject that completely.  God never abandons anyone - he is always patiently waiting for us to return to him like the prodigal son returned to his father and why the saying the Last shall be first and the first last.  I am also very sick of the medievil writers who portray Christ or the Church as the bridgroom with the sensual overtones found just because Solomon wrote his poetry.  Solomon was not a saint, just a king and a very sinful one at that.  I think God should be viewed as our father and not as a lover (in the person).  I was also contemplating the fallacy of some of his writing in that what one knows of love through their life, must certainly affect their ability to love God.  What you don't know or have not seen, you cannot begin to express but in your own limited way.  I do agree with the statement that God gives you the grace to be able to love him.  But in that instant when God snatched me up to himself, that love is nothing I could possibly reproduce here in the flesh - I know, as I have tried.  So I keep reading spiritual books trying to help my soul become more loving, but it is only by the grace of God I shall do so.

August 15, 2008 - Have you been watching the Olympics as I have?  I primarily watch the swimming and women's gymnastics.  One thing about that Michael Phelps - he seems to be a pretty humble guy.  There hasn't been much on TV lately and so the other night I was watching 3 hours of TV called the Lottery Winners - the stories of some lottery winners who didn't make a wreck of their lives with their winnings.  And even though I don't buy lotto tickets I started having daydreams about what I would do if I won the lottery.  First I envisioned winning a million dollars and after thinking that taxes would take half of it, I realized it would not be enough to do what I would want to do with winnings.  For myself I would want very little.  I began to think what I would like to do is pay off sister's house so that they would not have to worry about that anymore in their lives, then maybe buy this apartment building and let all the tenants live here free of rent, then contribute a large amount to the local food bank who is really hurting for food and money right now, then giving money to nieces to pay off their student loans and then I began thinking of the legal ramifications and how to give money without them having to pay taxes on it which I already would have done when I won it, how I could make the payment direct to the mortgage company for sis rather than give the money to them direct - same for the loans of nieces as any gift over $10K they have to pay personal taxes on even though I would have paid  taxes on it already.  Then I began thinking of trusts funds being set up and how money could be given tax free from accounts and how would one go about finding a reputable management firm to handle the money so you wouldn't have to worry about someone abusing their position in handling the money.  And so my thoughts went on and on, and thinking that my sis perhaps could quit her job which gives her so much stress which affects her diabetes.  And so in exuberance of love, I called sis and left message on her machine that I was calling just to tell her I loved her.  She called this week to tell me that BIL has been told he is in remission and does not have to undergo anymore radiation or chemo and he's estatic!  This was the result of the CAT scan he was so wary of taking.  It shows there is some tissue still at the site, but it is presumed to be dead tissue at this time.  I can't second guess his oncologist - but as we know my doctor wanted another roundup chemo for 2 additional months to be sure.  Seems that stray cancer cells can roam your body and attach to some organ and start to grow somewhere else - which is why they never really call it a cure.  So now the doctors at UCI are talking of surgery to remove some of the stents from his throat.  So my sis wanted to know why I called and left her that message and so I told her about the lottery daydream.  I said all I would want for me is a large screen TV, perhaps someone to come in and clean my apartment and do my laundrey once a week, and some cosmetic repairs to my faithful car as I liked it so much and wouldn't want a new one and having someone find me a new place to live in a condo or apartment.  Oh no, she said, you have to buy yourself a new car like a cadillac and we went back and forth about why I should, I why I wouldn't buy a new car and the incongruity of it, arguing about buying a car if I won the lottery just made me laugh!  The lady I had helped before came over with some more papers that needed filling out and she was nice enough to bring me some Thai food, which I had never tasted before.  This time I remembered to show her some of the beads I had made and even took her into room and made a bead showing her how I did it.  That prompted me to sit down and makes some beads - a whole set for a bracelet with 8 different shapes in the same colors - the first set I have made in a long time.  I got the kiln to work good and remain at even temperature so that felt good. It's still been hot and humid around here lately and been running the air conditioner again.    

August 8, 2008 - In a flash your life could be over - which is a thought I had tonight since I was almost in a head on collision yesterday afternoon.  I was minding my own business driving down the street at the speed limit of 40 miles an hour when suddenly some lady in the opposing lane decided to make a left turn in front of me in the middle of an intersection I was passing through.  For some unknown reason when I was about 3 car lengths from the intersection with no one in front of me, some feeling made me watch this lady who was in the left hand turn lane.  She hadn't inched up displaying anxiousness.  I checked and made sure I was in a strong green light (meaning it wasn't gonna turn yellow) and started into the intersection.  She started making the turn in front of me and stopped half way in my lane.  I slammed on the brakes and quickly looked to my right and saw no car there and swerved right and missed her by about 2 inches.  I had seen traffic behind me was too close and I didn't really think I could stop before hitting her which is why I swerved.  The truck behind me swerved too.  As I think back, there had been a car besides me perhaps when she started the turn, but they had speeded up which caused her to stop but gave me room to zigzag around her.  Thankfully no one was hurt thanks to my quick reflexes.  I looked in my rear view mirror and she hadn't even backed up to get out of the rest of the traffic still coming.  I call this my "Danger, Danger, Will Robinson" moment and know that some guardian angel was watching over me and gave me this hinky feeling which caused me to be more alert than normal. This is what I meant when I said some time ago in my blog, who knows if you are going to live long enough for cancer to kill you?

I was on my way to a dinner with my friend Susan.  Afte dinner we went to her house and played with taking pictures of beads and fixing them through the computer.  She still wants me to work on her website and ebay auctions.

I had a shock day before yesterday in walking into my second bedroom I found that the earthquake had knocked down a considerable amount of boxes and things that had been stacked high but were lightweight - like all my packing supplies and stained glass lamp forms.  So I had to spend time picking that stuff up and repositioning it.

I talked to my uncle in the hospital again, he is feeling better.  He had totally forgotten about the 1/2 hour call he received from twin the day before - didn't remember she had called.  

I was watching the Olympics tonight.  I guess I am somewhat jaded perhaps by all the technical effects from Hollywood as I wasn't really impressed by the opening ceremonies.  By emphasizing all the people they had to do the "robotic" things they showcased, and the goose stepping martial soldiers it made me wary and made me think that if they ever decided to be war like with the world there is no way we could stop them - they are like locusts - it would have to take nukes.  Harmony is their key buzz word which in my opinion means harmony as long as you do it their way.  I kept wondering if someone did something wrong, like a couple of drum players didn't stop when they should have, whether someone was watching them and would report them and have serious repercussions.  I didn't really get" their 5,000 years of history scrolling thing - it was a disjointed view of their history and didn't make sense.  I wish we could have seen the 56 children in native chinese costumes individually as they were cute.  The little boy who survived the earthquake this year was 10 years old now, and looks about 4 years old in size - which impressed me as being odd wondering about their food.  I didn't care for the Ralph Lauren clothes for the US team - too dark and somber - no exuberance.  I think lighting the torch was the best part - a magnificent torch.

August 1, 2008 - I guess by now most of you have heard about the earthquake we had a couple of days ago.  It was 5.4 and about 20 miles from here.  I was laying down when it happened and it was a weird feeling with the bed going back and forth and side to side, with a few things falling off the bookcase.  Thankfully about a week ago I moved a expensive blown glass vase off the stereo receivers and onto a stable flat surface, as the clock I replaced it with had fallen down.  But otherwise no real damage here.  The difference is where the epicenter is - in 1987 a 5.9 earthquake happened here in Whittier with the epicenter here and it took down buildings in old town Whittier and did lots of damage.  But I'd rather have an eartquake than a tornado!  I still remember some tornados and bad storms - I remember one summer a tornado in MInneapolis down the street from our office building and we all stayed over at work because it wasn't safe to leave, the tornado that took down half of Roseville Mall, one that landed in White Bear Lake (where I lived).  So a few minutes of shaking is nothing to compare to those tornados.  I was feeling pretty smug with myself yesterday in that I finally went to pick up some medications and at the same time popped into the lab and got my mammogram done finally as a walk in patient - had a 3 minute wait! And also another recommended test that eliminates a colonoscopy.  Boy does Kaiser spend the bucks getting you to a mammogram - had personal call earlier in the week about it. So hopefuly their harassment is over for 2 years.  Doctor must have cleared up the problem with my MRI, as they called and have me scheduled for tomorrow evening.  Then hopefully I shall be done with tests for some months.  My uncle called (priest) and my other uncle is in hospital with heart attack.  The reason why I couldn't reach him is because he fell and broke his hip and leg a couple of months ago and the son closed up the condo and had him put in a nursing care home - looking at website it's like a private home with 3-4 patients and looks lovely.  Evidently hip has healed and leg too, and they were just beginning weight bearing excercises for him when this happened.  But this was a mild to medium heart attack and not life threatening at this point, and after a few days in hospital he should be returning to care home.  I called the hospital and was able to speak to son, and told him that his father's phone number did not have a disconnect on it, I just kept getting busy signals, or I would have called son earlier to find out about my Uncle.  This son is strange, rarely tells anyone in family what is going on with his father.  When my aunt died - this uncle's wife, we did not find out about her death till about 6 months after she died and was buried!  (Uncle thought nobody in the family like his wife - yeah, like after Mom died I offered to both of them to come out and take care of aunt - and she told me so nicely that after spending 5 years taking care of Mom I shouldn't spend more of my life taking care of someone else (she had severe arthritis)  I spoke to uncle for a few minutes and he seemed pretty good but had difficulty talking since they wouldn't give him liquids right then - then the priest (not the uncle priest) had come to visit and they had to end conversation.  So my uncle the priest wanted me to pray the Chaplet of Devine Mercy for his brother, which of course I shall do.  This is the same chaplet I prayed for my BIL when things were desperate then.  Had shock at grocery store yesterday - groceries which should last me the month cost $207!  I was thinking of getting hamburger and using it for more meals - hamburger was $3.99 a pound and Porterhouse steaks were on sale for $4.09 a pound - so guess which I got?  $16 for kitty litter!  A few weeks ago I went to same store to pick up somethings that were on sale (Chicken and tea) and they were out so I got some of those coupons for sale prices.  Then when shopping yesterday and looking for the same things, chicken was cheaper and tea was the same price - so two weeks ago it really wan't on "sale" after all!

Friend Susan finally emailed me, she had out of town visitors and was so busy with them she couldn't get back to me.  Hopefully we meet this coming week.  That's it for now!

July 28, 2008 -  Time for another update.  Thankfully the extreme heat and humidty have stopped for the last week and I have not had to run the air conditioner!  I have been doing good, in my own way - sleeping good and pretty regulated in sleep.  I still don't do much and only get out during the month to mail bills, grocery shop and go to the library.  The cat is still loud and vocal which I pretty much ignore.  She has gotten so bad though that when she goes outside she sits at the top step and meows loudly and intently stares down the stairs and when I look nothing is there.  She's about 8 years old now and so I figure she must be having dementia!  Last Friday an acquaintence I knew from the Ebay Book Board came over and I helped fill out Social Security papers and Welfare papers for a friend of hers.  She was here for 6 hours.  The next day I was all stiff in my neck and shoulders and would wake up with pain in that area and back - but that's gone now (pretty much).  This is my small way of helping other people that doesn't take a lot of energy and physical action on my part.  I have finished watching the DVDs I had of Battlestar Galactica and now have started on my VHS tapes of Farscape - which I think is the best SciFi series EVER!  While some fantasy was invovled with the use of Jim Henson puppets for aliens, each week they had a different story and environment with the common connector being the crew of the liveship Moira.  The visual efects were stunning and I don't think that show will ever be dated.  Sis and BIL had a terrible time in Las Vegas, primarily because of dealing with the smoke.  They pretty much stayed in one hotel MGM and had backed up toilet, and an elevator stop working while they were in it.  They left this hotel and casino only to go eat elsewhere and after I asked about their reaction to smoke at the other casinos and they hadn't realized that it was so much better elsewhere.  They had a fantabulous meal and service at Bobby Flay's restaurant where they went to lunch.  The dinner at Emeril's was only so-so.  The dinner meal at Tom Collicho's was horrible beyond words - both the meal and service - it was family style dinner and waiters came out and left those side trays next to table and none were put on the table and the meal was horrible. For a treat, they had ordered Kobe beef which my sister says was disgusting.  For 2 people their meal cost $250 with No Wine or liquor or desserts!!!!!  Sis reported that the shadow on her lung was nothing and her pulmonary tests were good.  BIL says he feels good and keep putting off a CT scan that doctors want him to have to see if there is still some cancer in him - he's afraid they are going to make him take more chemo, and he does not want to lose his pride and joy - his hair.  He's worse about that than I was! .  He also keeps putting off a return to UCI to have some stents removed.  Just like a typical man - He will ignore things till they get to the point like last Dec when he fell over dead.  So we keep after him and it makes him mad.  Twin sent me a nice newspaper article with a pic of her back at a reception for a friend who has won the highest military civilian order for her start up and running an organization called Socks for Soldiers.  Twin said someone was talking to her about the lady, and then sis found out it was a newspaper writer and said not to put her in the article but the writer did so anyway.  I can see why, my Twin said some really lovely things about the lady which really contributed to the good tone of the article.  The article made me want to send off money to the organization as what they do is send socks and toiletries to soldiers all over the world, and the only way to get them to the soldier is to have a name and address and then they have to pay postage to mail it to them.  The postage costs is what is so expensive for the organizations.  Twin goes to the organization one night a week to fill up packages for the mailings.  I have been trying to reach my friend Susan and have left 5 phone messages for her - I hate those message things built into the phone that have no way of telling someone that a message has been left.  I hope she isn't mad at me (which I don't think so) and is perhaps just off on vacation somewhere.  Well that's about it for now!

July 14-16, 2008 - Guess it's time for another update.  Not much has been going on in my life, except magically I am back to sleeping regularly and waking up only a couple times a night instead of 50 times.  It has been hot and humid as blazes here and unfortunately I am having to run my air conditioner most of the day and night.  I watch the weather by checking on the computer several times a day and see the humidity creeping up during the day.  I can only take it till it gets to almost 40% humidity and then the AC has to go on because I just can't breathe.  And for some reason the humidity does not go down even later at night.  I console myself saying while the electric bill is probably gonna be high, don't forget I overpaid the "even pay" bill where I got almost 2 1/2 months of no payment this last spring - so maybe I will not have free months next year.  I have been thinking some really evil thoughts lately, and tell Satan to get behind me - cause Kellie is driving me so mad that I am contemplating either getting rid of her or killing her.  And then when I wake at night in bed and find her snuggled up against me in the middle of the night I get all soft and mushy.  Like right now, she jumps up on the table and sees me typing on the laptop and immediately lays down between me and the laptop and rests her paws on my wrist and is meowing while doing so.  Then she's quiet and happy and I want to type again, and nudge her away and more meows.  I think one day I started counting all her whining meows in a day and gave up at 50.  At night when I watch TV (still watching DVDs of Battlestar Galactica) I call her over to me and I comb her out - which she loves - and then put her on my lap to sit there quietly while I stroke her and she immediately pops up and stands on me and meows and meows and I feel like screaming What do you Want????  Thankfully I have not been guilty of cat abuse yet!  Sometimes if I really get torqued I will pick her up and take her to the bedroom and shut the door on her - giving her a time out. LOL  She's back again right now, doing the same thing again - meowing. Now she is quiet - I stop typing and I start to stroke her - more meows.  

I read in the paper today that a couple of old folks died recently because of the heat and that their air conditioners had broken a day or two earlier.  Thinking about that, I called my uncle cause I know he is a cheapskate and wouldn't want to pay electric bill.  Sure enough, he has resisted turning on the AC because of the electric bill.  I scolded him good and told him of the deaths of the elderly and then I told him about even pay with the electric bill, which he didn't know about.  Only thing, I don't think he will remember or be able to contact electric company to "sign up" for it - so maybe I better call his son.  Just like he has never signed up for Meals on Wheels and wouldn't really tell me what he is eating (cept last time I saw him he was practically skin and bones).  He is 88 1/2 years old now and is forgetful - he keeps saying he is gonna call me but he forgets he has to dial 1 and then area code.  I called the other uncle several times today but the phone is busy, meaning he has forgotten to put it back on the hook.  Will try again.

Sis and BIL are going to Las Vegas tomorrow to celebrate niece's 22nd birthday, which I had totally forgotten!  Sometimes I don't know the day of the month I am on, or even which day I am on in the week, without reading it on the newspaper.  All days just sort of run into each other, being so similiar to each other.  She's beyond the "lets get together for cake and ice cream" stage and is so busy that I never am able to talk to her.  But I was just like her at that age and only in older age did I begin to have regrets that I didn't spend more time with grandparents when I still had them.  So sis just said to call niece for birthday wishes tomorrow.  Twin got home from church camp OK, don't know how she remains so cheerful with the horrendous heat and heavy kitchen cooking work she had to do - but she is one of those cheerful talky persons that you initially think just has to be putting on a show till you realize she really is as nice as she sounds.  

I actually did some stained glass work today - I was grinding tops to hearts that I make with bevels.  Twin has some hanging in her windows that I had made long ago and has wanted some more for the longest time, and I finally felt like doing them since I could do them in kitchen in front of air conditioning.  Whereas beads are a hot job to do, cause you have electric kiln going, the heat of the torch flame, the heat of lights, fan and electric compressor just makes it oppresive in my back room.  

I got my stimulus check and will plop it in my savings account.  I realized with that check and my refund they both will pay my prescription costs for the year.  So much for helping out the economy!

July 3, 2008 - Well my doc says I am still in remission!  The bone scan went the same as the last one, so to be on the safe side we are going to do another MRI - but everything looks good.  I finally got to get a copy of the Jan 2007 MRI and it seems to indicate that no tumors were found then as well, meaning they disappeared from my body quicker than we had thought.  The bone scan says my knees have a lot of arthritis though - and while I don't have pain in them I do treat them gingerly when getting down on the floor on my kees and in arising.  I managed to go to bed at 3;30 am and awake at 7:30 am to make my doctor's appointment.  Despite lack of sleep I felt good enough to go to the library and then grocery shopping and putting some $40 of gas into the car which didn't even fill it ($4.43 a gallon now!)

Sis is home from the hospital - they figure she has GERD and ulcers as they have given her antibiotics and perhaps a pill for gastric acid.  This is one thing I suffer from and have for a long time - my doc said I produce the most amount of gastric acid of anyone he'd ever seen - so I am on a daily pill to reduce acid in stomach.  Bad GERD can mimic heart and chest pains - and with her history they don't take those signs lightly.  So it seems everyone is doing well.

Have  a Happy 4th of JUly to all!

July 1, 2008 - Well today I am feeling pretty good, after finally taking one of the doc's pills to get to sleep at 7am.  Some excitement at 4 am - someone seems to have set fire to a trash bin up against the building across from ours (about 15 feet from my apartment!) .  I kept smelling this burning smell, which smelled like burned wax like when you lite a candle.  I was checking out my ashtray and my wastebasket to see if I had set something on fire, and then I looked outside the window and saw someone standing there and called out "what was burning".  He replied it was the trash container and was he calling fire department.  Now what is odd, usually between 4 am - 4:30 some man comes by and goes through that trash bin - but I hadn't heard him this morning.  The fire department arrived very quickly without sirens (they are only a mile away) .  So they sprayed it with water and took a long hook and combed thru the garbage spraying more water - and then left.  They guy who found it was on his way to work that early in the morning.

Sis is in the hospital.  Monday at work she started having chest pains and felt sick to her stomach so they called ambulance and had her carted away.  They haven't found anything wrong with her heart (had her do a stressmill), and xrays an ultrasounds seem to show her liver and gall bladder OK.  They are leaaning towards her having GERD with perhaps ulcers so will be doing a endoscopy down her throat to her stomach.  Thankfully my BIL is doing swell (he was able to umpire 4 games on Saturday!) and was able to drive down there to see her yesterday and today.  Her place of work is near San Juan Capistrano so they take her to the local hospital there.  

I felt good enough today to wash my kitchen floor with the mop, and I must say it did a good job using liquid Spic and Span.  Must make a difference on how good it does with really good cleaner. Yesterday I was able to dust one half of living room.   I am still finding ocassional small roaches and baby bits of dead roaches who must be killed upon emmergence from their cocoons from spray on the floor.  I need to pick up some more spray though.  Spraying every few days instead of just when I see them seems to be working well.   I seem to be having some "bad feelings" about seeing the doctor on Thursday - sort of like maybe my luck has run out.  I feel good, just don't know what is really causing this worry.  I went out tonight at 11 pm and how nice it was driving with hardly any traffic in the cool night air.  I was able to return some books to the book drop, mail some bills, and pick up a burger (if you don't get up till 7pm, it's lunch time by 11 pm!  Well that's all for now!

June 25, 2008  I should have known better than to mention feeling and sleeping so well, because the very next day I had a "staying awake" till 5 am. and everything in my sleeping is all screwed up again.  Last week I was able to make my CT scan OK, but today the only way I could make my 8:30 am Bone scan was to stay up all night long, go in the morning for severel hours, come home, eat lunch and then to bed 1 pm-8pm.  We have had some very, very hot days of 100-104 with humidity causing me to have to run the air conditioner all day long - boy the gallons of water it pulls out of the air (which I have to empty every couple of hours).  The elctric bill is gonna slay me, I am sure! This weekend I had a very enjoyable visit with my sis and BIL at our favorite restaurant, Red Lobster.  And my BIL looked GREAT! having put on some pounds and grown some hair.  When I hugged him he felt firm with flesh - his face has filled out a bit and his hair is about 1 inch or more looking like a buzz cut.  Their daughter has started a new job with a corporation and it seems to be a fabulous opportunity for her and they are all excited about it.  But niece is still working on the weekends for Disneyland, not wanting to put all her eggs in one basket (and she gets fabulous tips there).  I told sis that the things she was saying about niece was astounding me (about her presence, articulation, presentation) because around me she always acted like a teenage ditz (boys, hair, clothes, makeup, etc).  This company is truly impressed with her and willing to spend the time and money to teach her job and groom her for management position. I am so happy for her.  BIL had to go to doctor on Monday regarding growth on his back which sis thinks is cancerous.  He had cancerous growth removed several years ago and was a big huge growth taking 1 inch deep of his skin and fat from a big area.  I had to spend harrowing hours on my computer again, with Norton Symantec program acting screwy - had to take it off computer and then it would not reinstall and I was frantic not having any virus program running when I am hooked up to the internet via DSL all the time the computer is on.  In order to reinstall it I had to take all over spyware programs off and one of them would not delete and finally I had to go to that website and have them take over my computer to get that program out of my computer, before I could try reinstalling Symantec again.  I tried over 15 times to reinstall it and kept getting errors, and went to website and people took over my computer and kept doing the same fixes I told them I had already done, and finally on the last chance I was going to give them before I broke down and bought another company's product, a representative was able to fix it for me and get it back on my computer.  Whew!  But I spent hours and hours on that problem.  I was a little concerned today doing the bone scan, they made me stay long to do a second scan of my spine because the doctor reading it right then, ordered it.  So I wonder what is wrong causing them to do that - but I remind myself that last bone scan indicated lots of cancer spots that turned out to be arthritis - but they have the old scan to compare to this new one, so I don't know whether to be worried or not.  I have doctor's visit in a week but am thinking of calling and leaving her a message to check the scan sooner than my visit incase I need to do a MRI also.  I was thinking today that perhaps my "purpose" in life was to have cancer and  in remission then be able to pass that courage and experience on to my BIL and help my sis through it - and once that is over that perhaps the cancer will return again.  It is just worrisome at this point.  My friend Susan ws supposed to get back in touch with me and hasn't done so - I hope she is OK. Twin called me almost every day of her vacation to tell me where they were and to check up on things down here.  They finally got home and had a good time - their most fun was a 11 hour trip down Snake river and rapids.   I have been spending my time watch the DVD's of Battlestar Galactica - it's amazing how much you forget when they show you on TV just half a season and then make you wait 6 months for another half of the season.  So this season 4 on TV, they showed the first 10 episodes and now are stretching out the last half season of 10 shows not to play until 2009!  And they wonder why a show can't keep it's ratings?  

June 16, 2008 - Well it's time to update again.  My Northern niece visited me on Thursday evening and I had her take a pic of me shown below.  One thing that does not really show up on the pic is all the brown age spots that have appeared all over my face since this whole thing began.  (note, this is all the hair I have grown since last November)  I believe it was mostly caused by stopping my female hormones which oncology doctor told me to do in Jan 2007.  She now says she can't remember why she had me stop them since testing does not show any relation to lung cancers, and said I could start taking them again.  I have been hesitant to do so, but started taking them almost two weeks ago and the difference in me is astounding.  I have been feeling good on most days, these days.  I am able to go to sleep without taking any sleeping aids, and I am only sleeping 8-9 hours.  I have been feeling a bit more energetic, and even started making some beads again.  I am doing 6 month check up tests - had CAT scan last week and bone scan this week and doctor appoint July 3.  I still haven't quit smoking but have decreased from 3 1/2 packs to 2 packs a day.  

I went out to dinner with my friend Susan and we had a good time as usual.  I hope I didn't talk her ears off as it's been so long since I was with anyone else but myself! LOL  We are continuing to talk about website and Ebay sales to help her business.  I think the economy has tanked almost everyone in retail sales - it's hard to buy beads when you are having trouble putting gas in the car to get to work, and food on the table.  I wonder how long it is going to be before people start sleeping in their cars at work, rather than drive home and drive back?  Maybe employee fringes will be a cot at work with a communal shower?  Even my sis has started to carpool to work because of the cost.  Thankfully my BIL's employer gives him a car and pays for gas for him.  Twin is off on vacation to Idaho and Montana (I think).  these are places her hubby went to school when he was studying to be a forest ranger - and got a degree in it which he never used in his employment.  Northern niece who visited with me was on business trip so we had a couple of good hours to chat.  Seems like maybe marriage is in the air for her.  So Cal niece has got a new job which sounds spectacular, she just happened to impress a CEO of a company at a social function at a friend's house who wanted her to work for his companies.  Sis says she has "given up" on herself and just run out of steam to take care of herself anymore - she's just spent too much of herself on her husband and has nothing left for herself.  She is totally exhausted all the time and feels she can't go on trying to fight taking insulin for her diabetes and her heart problems.  BIL is doing good from his last bronchospy.  Not much else to say here - it was hot in the 90s today with high humidity so I had to run AC (I just can't take high humidity).  

June 8, 2008 - Well I have had several days of just feeling "good" - and yesterday I was even happy for no reason!  That feeling good included having some energy that had been lacking and I was able to get some work done around here and go to the library and grocery shopping.  I even found myself sleeping better, not waking up 50 times a night.  I attribute that to starting taking estrogen and pregesterone again.  as an experiment I stopped taking it two days ago and so today I just feel OK, but no energy or strength.  The grocery store was a big shock, sticker price and since I had not been shopping for a month there was alot I had to buy - and some things I had to put back as too expensive.  Gas is up to $4.29 a gallon and I am wondering how people are able to afford to even go to work anymore.  Something I read said that people are putting more on their credit cards, and this economy is really going to the dump once people start defaulting on their credit cards.  I got an offer for free checks from one credit card I have, and reading the fine print it said if one payment late they would increase the percentage of interest on the card from 25-31 %.  My God, don't we have laws against this usary? expecially since the prime rate they get money from the feds is the lowest it's been in many, many decades?  My sister thinks I should move "from that dump" because it isn't worth the rent I am paying - yeah, like I can just pack up and move as if I was 20 again?  I told her that rent is not going to be cheaper elsewhere, and where did she think people were going that were walking away from their homes and letting it go into forclosure?  

WE had a horrible scare with BIL last Thursday - he got something stuck in his throat and was bleeding from the mouth and couldn't breath and called sis from work as he drove home, and wouln't call an ambulance.  She rushed home, picked him up and then drove all the way down to UC Irvine hospital.  They had thought the stents had moved or collapsed and what it was, was that he had coughed up the rest of his lung tumor which was too big to pass through the stent.  So emergency bronchospy without any anesthesia resulted in them clearing that blockage and vacumning out his lung, reporting that the tumor is completely gone now.  I never had this problem with my tumors disappearing - they must have been absorbed or something.  So despite the scare, everybody is feeling great with both of his tumors confirmed being gone and so they again are talking about removing the stent/stents in a few weeks He wouldn't call an ambulance because he felt they would take him to the nearest hospital, which could not deal with his particular problems and would result in his death.  For the first time he told her he was really afraid.  

A telephone conversation I had with my sister yesterday. She was laying down on her bed talking on the phone and her golden retreiver kept trying to lay all over her. I was sitting on the couch and my cat was walking across the top of my lap weaving in an around me, meowing plaintively. Then her dog stuck his head up to the telephone to hear my cats meows and to hear better, and I held the phone down to my cat's mouth so he could hear her cries better- and then my sis and I both cracked up to realize we were letting our animals talk to each other over the phone!  I was figuring it, for me to go up to visit them would cost me almost $30 for gasoline - 60 miles one way with my 1995 car averaging 20 mpg.  I don't know how the politicians think Americans can handle these prices because we are not in congested compact Europe or England where you can get automated trans portation and such - our country is spread out way to much even to use public transportation.  

June 4, 2008- Well I haven't been posting here cause there hasn't been much good to post about.  I find myself very weak, as if I was still undergoing chemo treatments - can barely walk to trash can and get my mail.  Therefore I have not gone anywhere for weeks.  I have stopped one anti depression pill in order to take the "sleep pill" which is anti-nausea pill,(no gout that way)  and found I am having stomach pains despite taking the stomach pills that I do and think perhaps I had a touch of flu for a couple of days.  My BIL's last bronchospy the doctor said he still could see the tumor and said perhaps the trouble BIL has had in speaking is that cancer could be in his voice box or on a vocal chord.  That threw everyone in the pitts as the CT scan did not do the throat.  Sis had some of her heart tests done, and result is that her stents are still good and not blocked but that there was a shadow on her heart which could be lung cancer and so she is being referred to pulmonary doctor tomorrow.  Their 8 year old dog has had several episodes of not being able to breath and the vet now thinks dog has pneumonia.  Twin went on a walk and twisted knee and now may have torn cartlidge giving her a lot of pain in walking.  And I am getting depressed, even if I am sleeping better somewhat.  Why is it we get to the age where it seems everyone around us is physically falling apart?  I got notice my rent is increasing to $1000 a month which means I will now be spending over 1/2 my income on rent alone.  At least we have been having cooler weather here.  I still see cockroaches and have been trying to spray every three days even when I don't see them, hoping to kill them before they hatch.  I noticed more roaches when the guy downstairs returned from his trip and opened up his apartment.  I feel like such a slob not having done much in the last two weeks - everything seems to be such an effort.  But today I am making some beads, as the kiln is cooperating - I just have to get back to getting some extra money in here Oh yeah, twin thinks I am poisoning myself spraying so much for cockroaches.

May 21, 2008 - Well the gout is finally gone and I am able to walk and sleep (when I can) without pain now.  We have had some very hot and humid days here which has caused me to have to run the air conditioner alot (almost all day) with it pulling Gallons of water out of the air (I know cause I have to empty a container of water).  When it gets hot and humid my lymphoedema gets bad and I have a hard time breathing so I have not done much of anything.  I have not seen any more roaches but I have been finding areas of black/brown "grains" - as if baby roaches have hatched and started to come out and died.  Well I had resprayed with Raid so perhaps that helped.  Sometime I think if a roach comes into my apartment from outside, they immediately go into a sexual frenzy and then 10 days later you have tons of the suckers! Little by little I have been backing up my hours of when going to sleep and when arising.  Today I thought I felt good enough to go and pick up my medications but upon doing so I still had problems breathing cause it was warm.  When I got there I found they had put them back into stock and I had to wait again for them to fill it.  Sis and I have been talking about our favorite shows - wonder if NCIS is really going to change all the characters but Sis reminded me they did so on House.  We have been waiting all week for the chopped off finger tip on Hell's kitchen - but it turns out to be another sensationlism teaser commmercial.  Tonight is Top Chef which I am taping right now (I hate to watch commercials).  So that is about all the TV I watch now that Medium is over for the season, and Monk hasn't started.  Twin called tonight and we had a nice chat.  Hubby got her a new diamond ring as she had lost the diamond to her original wedding ring of 39 years ago!  He got a beaut with 1/2 carat with two sides of 1/4 carats each for a whopper of 1 carat of diamonds!  I told her she had to take a picture of it and send it to me to see!

May 18, 2008 - I am totally miserable suffering from a raging gout attack once again, brought on by the use of those anti-nausea help for sleeping pills.  I made the mistake Friday night of taking two of them, 5 hours apart when I could not sleep.  And when I woke up I had the gout, and I couldn't sleep again.  So I had to take the anti-gout medication and finally had to take two of those about 5 hours apart and it took 8 hours before the pain finally allowed me to go to sleep. The problem with them is the side effects which take about 2 days to manifest itself.   So I was finally able to go to sleep after 20 hours on Sunday at noon, sleeping till 8 pm and now am awake again with terrible pain.  So I don't know how long it is going to take for the gout to depart.  In meantime, I came across at least 8 roaches, killing most by hand and quickly spraying others into death.  They were small, on a half inch and the others about 1/4 inch.  God, I don't know what to do about them.  The guy downstairs is gone again for a month and the apartment has been locked up for 3 weeks now, perhaps accounting for the roaches again.  More so lately, I am beginning to feel like I hate my life as it is now and am in despair of anything changing.  In meantime my BIL is doing good and was able to get through 2 days of a convention that his company had.  This coming Friday he will have another bronchospy to see if they can remove some of the stents.  

May 14, 2008 - How many times have I moaned during the last year or so how I should have listened to my intuition?  Yep, each time I ignore it I regret doing so.  So yesterday I am thinking to myself, better call the pharmacy and find out if they have the second prescription done, but Nooooooooo I go to pick up the two and find the later one not done because they didn't have enough pills on hand to finish it - so I have to go back a second time.  Now getting me out of this apartment is a real trial, because I still feel tired most of the time.  But I have to get out of apartment at least two more times this month, to get groceries, go to bank and deposit INCOME tax refund (yippee!).  Now my intiuition is telling me NOT to put refund on my credit card, but keep it in bank in case I need it - so I am paying attention to that one. No more Uptown Visitors since I have kept that window closed!

I was reading an interesting book last night from Internet Archive about a visit to Jeruseleum in 1695!  Yes, 1695!  Anyhow the guy was relating all the various places a guide was taking them and he even sounded skeptical of all the so called Biblical places the guide was showing them.  What was also interesting is that some of these Biblical places , even then, has mosques built over the top of churches that had been the important (the birth place or death place of some disciples and people) in Christian history - it was also interesting to read that the gospel of the Virgin (a gospel NOT approved by the church as being real) was being told by that guide  (that a man's hand was withered when he touched the Virgin's bier trying to stop the burial procession) when relating that this mosque was built over the home where the Blessed Virgin had resided in her last years.  It has often confounded me as to why Muslim's built their Mosque the Dome of the Rock over Abraham's rock altar and why the Muslim's venerate the Virgin Mary and yet do not believe in Christ her son?  Well maybe I will research that tonight and find the answer.  I love how I can think up quirky things like that and just find an answer on the internet!

May 9, 2008 - My Twin called tonight to find out if it was alright with me to give my name and telephone number or email to a friend of her daughter who has just been diagnosed with lung cancer Stage 3, so perhaps I could give her some good counsel on what was going to be happening in her life.  I think Twin was thinking of the times that Sis said to her how terribly helpful I had been to them with my advice on how to handle problems that had arisen with BIL's cancer.  I said it was OK, but suggested perhaps the friend would want to read my blog first.  I say that because I attribute my remission to God and that may make some people uncomfortable, although I rarely talk about my relationship with God like I have in this blog.  I can give her technical advice, but her experience will not be my experience as my experience was not what my BIL's experience was.  (How unusual it is to read of two different lung cancer patients experiences in one blog?) Email from niece tonight makes it sound like BIL's cancer, meaning it is caught late as friend will have to undergo radiation along with chemo.  So dear person, BIL's story begins Dec 17, 2007. I had to turn all my worries over to God because I knew I just couldn't handle it on my own, alone - I held a tight rein on my emotions after being told of my cancer because I was so terribly afraid I was going to just fall to pieces and be so unable to help myself at all.  This is probably why God led me to the passage in the Bible that said to compose myself and pray, and then to rejoice in the Lord and don't be anxious and pray to the Lord, because quite frankly I know I couldn't have gone through what I did without his help!  So Dear Friend, whoever you are, I shall be glad to talk to you if you like and will not push God on you but just know he is in my heart and who I credit for my remission.

I felt an extra spurt of energy this week and was able to get out and stop at mail office to buy stamps and  mail bills, wash my car, take down the trash, pick up my mail, etc.  The lady who had been washing my car has stopped doing so for some time now.  One day that mystery may be answered but not right now.  The weather has been cooler and had been such a relief on my lymphedema with little swelling.  I have still not made any beads for some time now, and I just don't know why not.  I haven't found any cockroaches lately having kept that outside window shut.  We'll see how that continues. Oh yes, I finally found the cords to those elctrical appliances and in doing so decided perhaps I will not part with two of them after all.  I have over 8 boxes of kitchen goods on my couch waiting to be taken away.

My thoughts take some circuitous routes sometimes in thinking things through - but last night I came up with a new thought about the parable of the Prodigal Son.  Something I read in a digital book caused me to go back and re-read the first part of Genesis again which I read through Cain and Able, and then stopped.  And now two days later the thought popped into my head that the brother of the Prodigal did not truly love his brother like his father did, otherwise he would not be so angry about his return.  If the brother who stayed at home really loved his brother, he would have been praying and praying for his brother to return home, in good health and pray that his father's worries should end.  But he didn't do that.  And in thinking those thoughts I realize I need to increased my prayers for myself to be more loving than I am.

May 5, 2008 - Some glorious News about my BIL!  The CT scan shows 80% of the two tumors has completely disappeared!  Now we know the tumor in the treachea has had several surgeries on it cutting away mass, but what is so thrilling is to know that the chemo has been attacking and killing the tumor in the lung.  At this point the doctor is thrilled about Bruce's progress.  Sis called me because she wanted to "verify" what Bruce had been told against my experience.  The doctor can't tell if all that is left is dead tissue or not, so he told Bruce he will be off chemo for two months and then another check up and perhaps a different chemo after those two months.  I explained to her that it sounded right, the two month interval is for him to gain his strength and recover from anemia and low white cells (for which he is still taking shots for) and then to check if tumors have grown in size or not during that time.  If all that is left is dead tissue, then Bruce should be coughing it up so it will even be smaller.  If it's still the same size then perhaps they will use the same Avastin I was given last fall to kill the feeder veins to the tumor and finally kill it.  Doc does not think a PET scan is needed after all now, since the CAT scan went from head to waist.  Sis was not sure whether to be thrilled about it or not, since a tumor is still showing up. Remember that the tumor in the lung was the size of a golf ball and now is 80% reduced!   I told her of course to be thrilled because the chemo was the right kind that did work on his cancer, because it doesn't always do that for some people.  Of course the doctor could continue with chemo, but you don't flog a dead horse, considering how very lethal chemo is and it's side effects.  That is why a wait of two months will not harm anything.  This is the answer for all our prayers! Thank you God for your Mercy!    This is an illustration of the amount of reduction. A golf ball is 1.680 inches in circumference and this box is 1.67 inches on each side, with a 80 percent reduction.

I told Sis I was crying last night, and matter  factly she said it was because of her, right.  She said she saw heart doctor for tests last week, and will not see this week but she can just tell she is getting worse.  

An interesting thing happened the other night.  I was reading a book from the Internet Archive on Clairovoyance by some Swami and it was talking about the 5 senses and how there are other sense which all relate back to what the brain sees and senses.  Then I stopped reading that and opened the Bible to where it will and started reading Corinthians 1 - 12 about how there are various gifts that the Spirit gives man, for the same God but for different ministries - and that the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good - wisdom, expression in speech, faith, healing, prophecy, etc. And then in Corinthian 1- 2:12  "The Spirit we have received is not the world's spirit but God's spirit, helping us to recognize the gifts he has given us."  It made me sit back and think that we who scoff at "gifts" mentioned and believed by Swami's may have closed mind after all as who is to say what Gift's the Spirit of God have given all men?  

May 4, 2008 - Gosh I am in a wheepy mood tonight, real low and blue - don't know exactly how I got here cept for a conversation with Sis tonight that she has had another heart episode and having trouble getting enough oxygen and feels that she will not be alive by the end of summer.  Talk about a kick in the stomach.  She is going to see the heart doctor tomorrow.  She says the docs told her when she had the heart stents she only had 1-4 years, and it is getting upon the end of the 4 years now.  All that will be left to her is open heart surgery.  I told her of my fears that for years and years I did not think I would live beyond the age of 50 - don't know where I pulled that age out of the air, but I did.  So here I am at 60.  We didn't have a wheepy talk, just a matter of fact talk.  Then Twin called me and had a small chat that helped me feel better - but I can feel it's a low hormonal thing.  Isn't it funny how we can pay attention to our body and know when the chemicals start going wrong?  I"ve had a couple of good nights sleep because I took the pill and I locked the cat out.  I didn't sleep those ridiculous hours of before 16-19, just 12.  I have gotten to accept that it is the meds that are making me sleep 12 and I'll just try to live my life with it.  

I had a couple of more Uptown Visitors - I call them uptown because they don't know how to behave inside a house with a maniac like me around - swat and they are dead before they even have a chance to think about hiding. I think they are coming in from outside on the wall, when I have my window open (remember I am on second story) So I shall have to buy some more spray - I am just so terribly tired of them!

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